Romeo & Juliet: What Really Happened
by Empty Dragon
Summary: WARNING: Involves poker, pumpkins, a rock named Joe, and lightsabers. You have been warned.
1. Act I

**I do not own Romeo and Juliet. There, I said it, happy? Basically, this is what happens when I can't understand half of Romeo and Juliet, I make a parody. Enjoy!**

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**Prologue**

**Chorus: **-in a high pitched squeaky voice- Two households, both alike in dignity, In Fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break into new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth…..-starts coughing- -normal voice- Okay, to make it short, two stupid teens fall in love and then die. The End.

**Shakespeare: **You idiot! You're not supposed to tell them the ending!

**Chorus: **Yes I am, it's right here in the script.

**Shakespeare: **What! -reads the script- Who wrote this thing!

**Chorus: **Uuuhhh….you did sir.

**Shakespeare: **Oh..

**Audience: **Can we get on with the play!

**Shakespeare: **uuhhh…yes, of course, on with the show!

**Act I**

**Scene 1** **- Verona, an incredibly unsanitary place.**

_We start off seeing Gregory and Sampson, members of the Capulet family, standing next to a pig pen because they have nothing else to do_

**Sampson: **Gregory, I just had a brilliant idea!

**Gregory: **What?

**Sampson: **Let's go bother some Montagues.

**Gregory: **Why?

**Sampson: **Cause we're better than them.

**Gregory: **But I'm hungry.

**Sampson: **Quit whining and come one! -they see Abram- There's one right now! -they stand near him- Montagues are sooo stupid and ugly.

**Gregory: **And filthy.

**Abram: **Are you biting your thumb at me!

**Sampson: **No. -points at Gregory, who is chewing on his thumb- But he is.

**Abram: **eewww……

**Gregory: **I can't help it, I'm hungry.

**Abram: **That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life.

**Sampson: **Did you just say we're filthy rats!

**Abram: **What? I never said anything about you being rats.

**Sampson: **You just did!

**Gregory: **DIE! -pulls out his sword and cuts off Abram's head-

**Shakespeare: **You idiot! You weren't supposed to cut his head off! You weren't even supposed to fight him!

**Gregory: **Sorry….

**Shakespeare: **It's so hard to find good actors these days, now what do I do! -sees a random guy mopping- You! -points at the guy- You be Abram!

**Guy with the mop: **-salutes him- Sir yes sir!

**Shakespeare: **Now that we have another Abram, get back to the play!

-Abram and Sampson draw their swords and start fighting-

-Benvolio appears and is wearing a pair of sunglasses, some freaky medallions, and a tie-dye T-shirt that has a peace sign on it-

-Abram and Sampson stop fighting and stare in shock-

**Sampson: **What the…..

**Abram: **Great…..it's him…..

**Benvolio: **-makes a peace sign- Dudes….quit fighting, you're like, disturbing the peace man…

-Tybalt appears-

**Tybalt: **What the heck is going on here!

**Benvolio: **Nothing dude, just trying to keep the peace, that's all.

**Tybalt: **Oh really? -pulls out a light saber- My name is Tybalt, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

**Benvolio: **What? I didn't kill anyone's father man…..

**Tybalt: **-charges at him with his light saber- YAAAHHHH! -is about to hit him when Benvolio pulls out his light saber and blocks it. They begin to fight-

**Shakespeare: **-is flipping through the pages of the script- Lightsabers? There are no lightsabers in my play! What the heck is going on here! This is madness! Absolute madness!

**Peasants: **Yey! Another fight! Woo-hoo!

-Capulet and Lady Capulet appear-

**Capulet: **A fight? Finally some action! Woman, give me my sword!

**Lady Capulet: **-tosses him a crutch-

**Capulet: **I said a sword, woman, a sword!

**Lady Capulet: **Oh……-goes looking for a sword-

-Montague and Lady Montague appear-

**Montague: **AAAGGHHH! It's him! Quick, give me my light…I mean, sword!

**Lady Montague: **Funny story about your sword, hehe….you see I…

**Montague: **Don't tell me you broke it while trying to put it in a rock again!

**Lady Montague: **As a matter of fact I did and you want to know why? Because I had a dream, that one day, the true king of England will rise and pull a sword from a rock when no one else can and I……

**Shakespeare: **What! This is not England! This is Italy!

-the Prince appears-

**Prince: **Silence you fools!

-Tybalt and Benvolio continue fighting-

-the peasants are throwing rotten vegetables at each other-

**Prince: **I said…..SILENCE! -thunder booms, lightning flashes, everyone pauses and stares at him- -his voices booms- SILENCE! For I am….GOD!

**Shakespeare: **What? He's not supposed to be God, he's supposed to be a Prince!

**Prince/God: **I said silence and that includes you, you filthy play writer!

**Shakespeare: **Filthy? I'll have you know I bathe twice a year, thank you very much!

**Prince/God: **No wonder you smell, anyways, who started this fight?

-everyone points at Gregory and Sampson and the rest of the Capulets that are there-

**Sampson: **But it's not our fault! It's all because the Montagues' ancestors cheated on our ancestors in a game of poker!

**Benvolio: **Dudes, you got it all wrong, it was your ancestors that cheated, not ours.

**Tybalt: **Liars!

**Prince/God: **ENOUGH! Capulet, you come with me, the rest of you go on and do your normal, mortal, things.

-everyone leaves except Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio-

**Montague: **Benvolio, I want you to tell me exactly what happened today.

**Benvolio: **Okay, let's see, I sang a couple of songs, picked some flowers and making a necklace out of them, danced in the meadow, hugged some trees……

**Montague: **Not everything! Just tell me who started the f$#ing fight!

**Benvolio: **Oh, it was the Capulet's fault man.

**Montague: **I knew it!

**Lady Montague: **Benvolio, you haven't by any chance seen Romeo, have you?

**Benvolio: **I think he's chilling out in his room man, you know, sleeping, doing nothing, uuhh…..

**Montague: **I get that part, but why?

**Benvolio: **Dude, he's like, lovesick man.

**Montague: **Oh….

-Romeo appears-

**Lady Montague: **Come, we shall leave these two alone at once! -Montague and Lady Montague leave-

**Benvolio: **-holds up a peace sign- Hey, what's up cuz!

**Romeo: **Well I was sleeping until all that racket outside woke me up.

**Benvolio: **Sorry about that man. It's all cause of those Capulet's. They just don't know peace man. By the way, man, whose the girl you love?

**Romeo: **Her name is Rosaline. Aaahhh Rosaline, such a beautiful name, makes me think of how beautiful a rose is. This is true love.

**Benvolio: **Whatever you say man. Of course, when I think of love, I think of flowers and hugging trees, smiley faces,…..

**Romeo: **Will you shut up! You know nothing of love!

**Benvolio: **Alright man, well…I'm gonna go hug a tree. Wanna come? It's better than sleeping.

**Romeo: **No, no….you go do your tree-hugging thing and I'll just continue to sulk in my room.

**Benvolio: **Okay, see ya later man.

**Scene 2- A street that is filled with rats and rotten vegetables and smells like the sewers of New York **

_Starts off with Capulet, Count Paris and his servant playing poker in the middle of the street_

**Paris: **Ha! A royal flush! I win! Which means I get to marry your daughter!

**Capulet: **But she isn't even fourteen yet! She hardly even leaves the house! How can you marry someone who hardly leaves their own house!

**Paris: **I don't care! She's hot and you're rich, so I want to marry her!

**Capulet: **She doesn't even know where London is! Or that Verona is in Italy, which is in Europe!

**Paris: **You mean to tell me that I'm about to marry an incredibly dumb girl? Oh well, you're rich, she's hot, so I don't see why I can't marry her.

**Capulet: **Fine, you can marry her, but on one condition, give me at least sixteen grandchildren.

**Paris: **I will do as you wish, sir.

**Capulet: **I almost forgot, servant!

**Servant: **-comes and gets on his knees- Yeessss master?

**Caputlet: **-give him a piece of paper- Take this list throughout Verona and invite everyone whose name is on this list to my party tonight.

**Servant: **-salutes him- Sir yes sir! -marches off-

**Capulet: **Come Paris! Let's go play pool at the nearest bar! I wager my poodle for your greyhound!

**Paris: **Your on! -they leave-

-Romeo and Benvolio mysteriouly appear-

**Benvolio: **-is wearing a flower necklace- Romeo, man, you, like, need to get over Rosaline, man.

**Romeo: **How! She's the most beautiful woman in the world, but I can never see her because she is a f#$#ing Capulet!

**Benvolio: **Dude, you, like, really need to watch your language, man, there are, like, children here, man.

**Romeo: **Sorry, I got carried away.

**Servant: **-is marching- Left! Left! Left, right, left! Left! Left! Left rig….-bumps into Romeo and drops the piece of paper- oww….hey! Watch where you're going!

**Romeo: **Sorry about that. -picks up the piece of paper-

**Servant: **Hey! Don't touch that! Don't even read it! Wait….can you read?

**Romeo: **Of course I can read! Do I look like a peasant to you!

**Servant: **No, but what's up with him? -points at Benvolio, who is meditating-

**Romeo: **That's my cousin. He trying to be more in tune with nature and some other weird hippie stuff.

**Servant: **Oh. Hey, you can read that letter now if you want.

**Romeo: **Why couldn't I read it soon?

**Servant: **Because there was a cute little spider on it and I was afraid you'd squish it, but it's gone now.

**Romeo: **Okaayyy. -reads the letter- Alright, a party! Now's my chance to confess my love for Rosaline!

**Servant: **And you can come too, as long as you're not a Montague. Anyways, I've got to go now. -leaves-

**Romeo: **Aww man, I'm a Montague.

**Benvolio: **Dude, we can always, like, crash the party.

**Romeo: **Benvolio! That's the best idea you've ever had!

**Scene 3- An incredibly small room that is filled with cockroaches, paint, peeling off the wall, and it smells like a horse's butt and it's in the Capulet's house**

_Lady Capulet and Nurse are standing there, clueless, because they have no idea where Juliet is_

**Lady Capulet: **Nurse, are you sure you looked everywhere?

**Nurse: **Yes, I even checked the outhouse, I can't find her.

**Lady Capulet: **Must I do everything? -takes a deep breath- JULIET!

**Juliet: **What is it now?

**Lady Capulet: **Nurse, go away, we need to speak about this alone. -Nurse leaves- Wait! Come back! -Nurse comes back- I can't remember how old she is!

**Nurse: **She's fourteen.

**Lady Capulet: **Fourteen? I thought she was thirteen!

**Nurse: **Well she'll be fourteen soon!

**Lady Capulet: **Anyways, Juliet, what do you think of getting married?

**Juliet: **NOOOOOO! -starts crying-

**Lady Capulet: **Why not?

**Juliet: **-sniffles-….it's….-sniffles-……not….that…..-sniffles-…..I BROKE A NAIL! -starts crying again-

**Nurse: **Oh for heaven's sake, a nail!

**Lady Capulet: **Juliet! Please tell me what you think of marriage!

**Juliet: **Marriage? But I don't wanna get married!

**Lady Capulet: **But why not! Especially since the man you have been arranged to marry is Count Paris! And he is a fine man to marry.

**Nurse: **He's like a flower, only made of wax.

**Lady Capulet: **You're not making any sense, Nurse! Juliet, marriage is a wonderful thing, especially if you're being married to Count Paris. When I was your age, I was already married and looked where I am now!

**Nurse: **Besides, if it weren't for men, women wouldn't get bigger.

**Juliet: **Are you saying I'm going to get fat if I marry! How dare you!

**Nurse: **No, I was saying that if you marry…

**Juliet: **Shut up! I don't wanna hear anymore of this! -leaves while Nurse and Lady Capulet stand there stunned-

**Nurse: **She doesn't understand, does she?

**Lady Capulet: **Well, her I.Q. is 87, which is below average.

**Servingman: **Hey people! The guests are here!

-Lady Capulet and Nurse leave-

**Scene 4- Another filthy street, only this time, there's a few corpses lying around**

_We see Romeo (of course), Mercutio, Benvolio, and about five or six other maskers; torchbearer holding their noses because of the smell, a few of them have even fainted from the smell. Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio are desperately trying not to vomit and faint_

**Romeo: **So, how do we get in again?

**Benvolio: **You see, man, we go in and tell them we're, like, noblemen from England and, like, we're here to party, and, like, we'll kill them if they, like, don't, like, let us in man.

**Romeo: **Benvolio, you're an idiot.

**Benvolio: **Whatever man.

**Romeo: **I still can't believe you're my cousin. Now give me a freakin torch!

**Mercutio: **No, first, you must dance!

**Romeo: **But I don't wanna dance!

**Mercutio: **Too bad! Dance, monkey, dance!

**Romeo: **Fine. -does an Irish jig- Happy?

**Mercutio: **Now you have to…

**Romeo: **Just give me the freakin torch!

**Mercutio: **Fine. -tosses him a lit torch, Romeo catches it by the lit end-

**Romeo: **-drops the torch and is holding his burnt hand- AAHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY THE HELL DID YOU TOSS ME A LIT TORCH!

**Mercutio: **Because I thought it'd be funny.

**Romeo: **Well it's not! -picks up torch- Can we go now! I really want to see Rosaline.

**Mercutio: **Rosaline, Rosaline, Rosaline, is that all you ever think about!

**Romeo: **But, she's so beautiful…..

**Mercutio: **uugghhh……-lightbulb appears above his head- Romeo! I just thought of a way to get her out of your head!

**Romeo: **How?

**Mercutio: **-stands on top of a box and starts singing- THE HILLS ARE ALIVE! WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

**Romeo: **-throws a corpse at him- Can you do something other than sing!

**Mercutio: **No, but did you really have to throw that thing at me? It smells!

**Benvolio: **Dudes, can we just go now?

**Romeo: **Fine, fine, let us go.

**Scene 5- A hall in the Capulet's house that is filled with insects**

_We see some servants playing poker, then Capulet, Lady Capulet, Juliet, Tybalt, and the nurse start meeting the maskers. The servants immediately move their game to another room_

**Capulet: **Welcome pathetic fools! I am the great and powerful Oz! Bow down to my power and tremble in fear! Tremble, I say! TREMBLE!

**Shakespeare: **WHO THE HECK IS OZ!

-servant throws a brick at Capulet, knocking him out cold. Everyone starts dancing-

**Romeo: **Does anyone here know where I can find Rosaline? Helloo…anyone?

**Tybalt: **I know that voice! It must be a Montague! Uunnnccllle! slaps Capulet on the head, waking him up Uncle, there's a Montague!

**Capulet: **I am the wizard of Oz, fear me! -faints-

**Tybalt: **Greeeaaat…..why must I do everything?

**Romeo: **-sees Juliet- Oh my God! It's the Virgin Mary!

**Juliet: **Uuuhh…no, I'm Juliet, but if you're looking for a Mary, there's one out there begging for food in the streets.

**Romeo: **Allow me to rephrase this: Oh my God! She's hot!

**Juliet: **But I feel fine.

**Romeo: **What I'm trying to say is that you're beautiful.

**Juliet: **Oh…why didn't you say that earlier?

**Romeo: **Can I…kiss you?

**Juliet: **Hmm….Okay! they kiss

**Nurse: **-sees them kissing- Aww…they make such a cute couple, too bad I have to break this up….JULIET!

**Juliet: **I have to go now. See ya later cutie!

**Romeo: **Hey nurse lady! Who is she!

**Nurse: **Her mother's Lady Capulet.

**Romeo: **She's a Capulet! NOOOO! -runs out crying-

**Juliet: **Nurse, who is that incredibly cute guy that kissed me?

**Nurse: **Romeo, of the Montagues.

**Juliet: **What's a Montague?

**Nurse: **-slaps herself in the face- Your family's sworn enemy.

**Juliet: **What? NOOOO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! -runs out crying-

**Nurse: **Why must she be so dense! Why? -runs after her-

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**Beware of insanity. BEWARE! Oh, and if you want to, review.**


	2. Act II

**If you don't like people smashing pumpkins, I suggest you turn back now.**

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**Act II**

**Chorus: **So now Romeo is in love with Juliet. Man, you think this guy would fall for someone other than a Capulet. I mean, sheesh, he should know that won't work out. Is he really that dumb? Seriously, he….

**Shakespeare: **You fool! You're supposed to just tell them that he's in love with Juliet, got it!

**Chorus: **Well I can't help it if this play sucks.

**Shakespeare: **SUCKS! How dare you say that! I could have your head cut off for that! And it's supposed to be a tragedy! Did you honestly think it would have a happy ending!

**Chorus: **Well it would have been better if it did.

**Shakespeare: **Why you…

**Audience: **CAN WE GET ON WITH THE PLAY!

**Shakespeare: **Fine, fine. -glares at the Chorus- We'll talk about this later.

**Scene 1- Capulet's orchard, or pathetic excuse for one considering that everything's rotten.**

_Starts off with Romeo sitting alone on a rock talking to a rotten pumpkin_

**Romeo: **Juliet is so hot. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE A CAPULET!

**Rotten Pumpkin: **……..

**Romeo: **You know, you could give me some advice here.

**Rotten Pumpkin: **…….

**Romeo: **ARRGGHHH! YOU USELESSS LITTLE…ERRR! -smashes the pumpkin with his foot- That's it! I'm gonna go confess my love for her! -leaves-

-enter Benvolio & Mercutio-

**Benvolio: **Hey cuz, where are you!

**Mercutio: **Benvolio, do you honestly think that's going to work. He's waayyy too obsessed with Rosaline.

**Benvolio: **Well then, what should we do?

**Mercutio: **Well I say…-sees the smashed pumpkin- NO!

**Benvolio: **What?

**Mercutio: **He smashed a pumpkin!

**Benvolio: **Dude, it's like, a pumpkin. A rotten one too, man.

**Mercutio: **I know, but I could've used it in a pie.

**Benvolio: **Dude, why would you want to make a pie with a rotten pumpkin?

**Mercutio: **So I could throw it at Tybalt.

**Benvolio: **But then he'd get mad and kill you or something like that.

**Mercutio: **So? It'd be hilarious!

**Benvolio: **Whatever man. -they leave-

**Scene 2- Capulat's orchard, again.**

_Romeo is walking through some dead trees and bushes._

**Romeo: **Aggh….these plants are making my scars feel wounds. -Juliet appears at the balcony, but unknown to her, the nurse is behind holding up a sign with words on it- But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the…..the…..-whispers- Nurse, could you hold that up a little higher? -the Nurse holds it up higher-…..the evil moon.

**Nurse: **-slaps herself in the face-

**Romeo: **And the maid is….is…freakin hotter then she is. But she can't be her maid, because she's evil and ugly and green and sick. And only fools wear it. It is my lady, my love, my preciousssss. But she doesn't know anything, she won't even speak to me. Her eyes can speak, but I have no clue what they're saying. I am too…too bald? Too bald to speak?

**Nurse: **-is about to faint because he is obviously not saying what the sign says-

**Romeo: **She is the bitch of the stars in all of heaven and she has business with them. She does not have any eyes in her head. Her cheek is like a dull shiny thing. A lamp would be brighter than her eyes if she did have eyes. The air has a bright stream, that is so bright, that birds would act stupider than they already are and think it was daytime. See how her hand touches her hand. If only I was a glove that was on that hand so I could touch her cheek! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST SAID!

**Nurse: **-faints-

**Juliet: **NOOOO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! And I thought I heard someone saying something, but it didn't make any sense.

**Romeo: **She spoke? YES! SPEAK! SPEAK AGAIN!

**Juliet: **Oh Romeo, Romeo, where are you Romeo? -looks around- ROMEO WHERE ARE YOU!

**Shakespeare: **Where is Romeo!

**Romeo: **Sorry, I had to go pee, so I went on that bush over there. points at a dead bush

**Shakespeare: **-faints-

**Juliet: **YOU PEED ON MY FATHER'S BUSH!

**Romeo: **But it was already dead.

**Juliet: **But that wasn't just any bush, -sniffles- IT WAS A ROSE BUSH!

**Romeo: **Why is it so important that it was a rose bush!

**Juliet: **-sniffles- Because Daddy said that roses are pink. I LIKE PINK!

**Romeo: **Okaayyyy……so, uhhhh….what do you wanna talk about?

**Juliet: **Let's talk about my beautiful face!

**Rome: **How about no?

**Juliet: **YOU THINK MY FACE IS UGLY!

**Romeo: **That's not what I meant! I just want to talk about something other than faces.

**Juliet: **Like what?

**Romeo: **Oh, I don't know, how about we get married?

**Juliet: **I should think really hard about this before I give an answer. -5 second pause- Okay! I'll marry you!

**Romeo: **Yey! Now, what do you say tomorrow around nine you send me your nurse so I can tell her to uhh…say whatever Shakespeare wrote.

**Juliet: **Okay! Well then, goodnight! But it's so sad, though.

**Romeo: **Why?

**Juliet: **Cause I broke three nails in one day, which means I have to marry with three broken nails! Do you have any idea what that's like!

**Romeo: **No, well, I must be going, goodnight!

**Scene 3 - Friar Laurence's dirty, bone-filled, cell.**

_Friar Laurence is singing_

**Friar: **-is singing- I have little flowers in my little basket and now I'm skipping in a field of flowers with my good friend Benvoliooooo! And we're picking little flowers…

**Romeo: **FRIAR LAURENCE!

**Friar: **What is it now! Can't you see I'm singing?

**Romeo: **Friar, are you gay?

**Friar: **No, what made you think that? And do you really need to ask that? There are children here!

**Romeo: **You were singing about picking flowers with my cousin.

**Friar: **Can't a man of God sing about picking flowers with his friend without being mistaken for a homosexual!

**Romeo: **No.

**Friar: **Urrgghhh…..is that all you came here for?

**Romeo: **No! I want you to marry me and Juliet tomorrow!

**Friar: **Really? Let me think about this…..-turns around- Yes! This is perfect! With them married, the two families will completely forget about their stupid quarrel and come together as one and they'll never know that it was my ancestor who cheated on them. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Romeo: **Uhhh….I don't mean to be rude, but do you always mutter and laugh like that when you turn around?

**Friar: **What? I wasn't laughing, I was….blowing my nose! And yes, I'll marry you and Juliet tomorrow!

**Romeo: **THANKYOU! -hugs him-

**Friar: **-evil look appears on his face- Peeeerrrfffeccctt…..

**Scene 4- A Filthy Street that is filled with rats and old people coughing up their lungs.**

_Starts off with Mercutio and Benvolio looking for Romeo._

**Mercutio: **Where the heck is Romeo!

**Benvolio: **Dude, chill out, he's like, probably, like, making out with Rosaline, man, but I'm only saying that cause his old man didn't know where he was, man.

**Mercutio: **Err…if he doesn't get over that woman quick, he's gonna be driven mad by love.

**Benvolio: **How can you be driven mad by love?

**Mercutio: **Look at yourself, you love everything, it's pathetic.

**Benvolio: **Whatever man, by the way, what do you think of Tybalt?

**Mercutio: **Why in the world do you want to know about Tybalt? He's nothing but a man who smells so bad, that cats mistake him for fish and follow him around, which is why call him The King of Cats.

**Benvolio: **Cause I thought I saw him standing behind youbut it was just an old guy. -sees Romeo- Hey, it's Romeo!

**Mercutio: **Behold, for I know French! Bonjour Romeo, where the heck have you been!

**Romeo: **Is that any way to greet your friend! Alright, how much do you want?

**Mercutio: **Fifty!

**Romeo: **Alright. -hands him some coins-

**Mercutio: **Ahem!

**Romeo: **Fine. -hands him some pink flowers-

**Benvolio: **I'm confused……

**Mercutio: **He still has pay me for the money he owes me from that poker game we had three years ago. And, I like pink flowers.

**Benvolio: **Dude, you're like, really weird.

-enter Nurse and Peter-

**Mercutio: **-sees the nurse- Hey look! A sailboat!

**Nurse: **Peter, give me my fan.

**Mercutio: **Yes, give her the fan so she can hide her horrible face. HAHAHAHAHA!

**Nurse: **You think I'm ugly, eh? -wacks Mercutio with fan, causing him to fall to the ground unconscious- Take that you spoiled little brat! MUWAHAHAHAHA!

**Benvolio: **Dude, she like, scares me, man.

**Nurse: **Romeo, may I speak with you?

**Benvolio: **What do you want with my cuz, man?

**Nurse: **I am no man! -draws out a sword- DIE WITCH KING!

**Benvolio: **-screams like a little girl-

**Shakespeare: **-slaps himself in the face- You moron, that's from Lord of the Rings !

**Nurse: **Oh, in that case…

**Mercutio: **-wakes up and starts singing- I like eating bunnies, especially during Lent!

**Benvolio: **YOU EAT BUNNIES! HOW COULD YOU! THEY'RE SO CUTE! -starts dragging Mercutio- THIS IS WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN! -walks away-

**Romeo: **Well…now that they're gone, what is it?

**Nurse: **This…-looks up at the sky- OH GOD! DO NOT LET THEIR MARRIAGE END IN DISASTER! JULIET IS A WONDERFUL, BUT DUMB, WOMAN! THEY BELONG TOGETHER! SO PLEASE, DO NOT LET IT END IN DISASTER JUST AS THE STARS SAID IT WOULD! HALLEJUHAH AND AMEN!

**Shakespeare: **What? That's not in the script!

**Romeo: **Why in the world did you scream that?

**Nurse: **Just my way of wishing you good luck and for your honeymoon, I suggest you go to Greece, I heard it's lovely at this time of the year.

**Scene 5- Capulet's rotten orchard**

_Juliet is sitting on a rock, wondering where the nurse is_

**Juliet: **I sent out the nurse about an hour ago to find Romeo and still hasn't returned. -pauses for a moment and we start to hear crickets chirping- WHERE THE HECK IS SHE! I WANT TO HEAR FROM ROMEO! ROMEO!

**Nurse: **I'm right here and really, do you have to shout? It's rude, you know.

**Juliet: **Nurse, why do you look so sad?

**Nurse: **Because Peter won the lottery and is now a millionaire, so now I have no one to order around or give me my fan or anything like that.

**Juliet: **Oh, well, what about Romeo?

**Nurse: **I'm not gonna tell you, you stupid, dumb, selfish girl!

**Juliet: **Did you just call me fat!

**Nurse: **No, but now I am. You're fat! Ha!

**Juliet: **You meanie! Tell me about Romeo right now or I'm gonna tell Daddy!

**Nurse: **You do realize that if you tell your father about Romeo that he'll have Romeo's head cut off, right?

**Juliet: **But Daddy's too nice to do that. He loves everybody!

**Nurse: **You're confusing him with Benvolio.

**Juliet: **No I'm not.

**Nurse: **Yes you are, your father thinks he's Oz, whoever that is.

**Juliet: **Whatever, just tell me what you thought of Romeo.

**Nurse: **Let's see…..he's lovesick, desperate, and is disturbed very easily, he's perfect for you.

**Juliet: **Yey!

**Nurse: **Now go to Friar Laurence's cell. He'll be there waiting so that you two can get married.

**Juliet: **Okay, but first, I have a very important question for you. holds up two dresses Which looks better, this? Or this?

**Nurse: **Just go!

**Juliet: **Alright, alright. See you later! -trips and falls- NO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! -runs away crying-

**Scene 6- Friar Laurence's dirty cell.**

_Friar Laurence and Romeo come in after having a long discussion that involved Friar Laurence trying to convince Romeo that he's not gay, but it didn't work_

**Romeo: **No man of God should ever be singing about picking flowers with another man!

**Friar Laurence: **You fool! Every friar sings about…….. -sees a rat- Oo….a rat! -takes out a piece of meat and holds it above the rat. The rat stands on it's hinds legs as it tries to get the piece of meat- That's right…dance…dance you filthy little rat…dance!

**Romeo: **Uuuhh…what are you doing?

**Friar Laurence: **Making the rat dance. -the rat jumps up and bites his finger- OW! -runs around in circle with the rat dangling off his finger- Get it off me! Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!

**Romeo: **-is speaking to himself- Normally, I would help him, but this is too funny.

**Friar Laurence: **-rat falls off his finger and runs into a hole with the piece of meat in its mouth- Well, now that that's over with, I should give you some advice before you marry. Romeo, these violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph explode, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume: the most disgusting honey is loathsome in his own stupidity. And in the taste confounds the stomach: Therefore love hastily; long love do so; too passionate arrives as early as too slow.

**Romeo: **What?

**Friar Laurence: **I don't know, it was one this piece of paper the Nurse gave me, but I can hardly read it.

**Romeo: **Yeah, I remember back in scene two how she held up a sign that had some stuff I should say to her, but I could hardly read any of it.

-Juliet comes in naked-

**Friar Laurence: **MY EYES! MY EYES! IT BURNS! -turns away-

**Romeo: **-is looking away- Uuhh…honey, why are you…naked?

**Juliet **I couldn't decide which dress to wear, so I decided to wear nothing.

**Friar Laurence: **WILL YOU PLEASE GO PUT COME CLOTHES ON!

**Juliet: **-sighs- Fine. -goes change and then comes back with a bikini that shows waayy too much on-

**Friar Laurence: **WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU WEARING!

**Juliet: **It's only the latest thing.

**Romeo: **Honey, please change into something appropriate, there are children here.

**Juliet: **There are? -looks and sees little kids in the audience- Aww…they're so cute! Hi kids! What do you think of my bikini? Isn't it sexy! -the kids' mothers cover their eyes-

**Romeo: **Honey, please go change before I am mentally scarred for life.

**Juliet: **-sighs- Fine. -goes back and changes. Returns wearing a dress- Is this better?

**Romeo: **Yes, much better.

**Friar Laurence: **Can we get on with the wedding?

**Romeo: **Alright, alright.

**Juliet: **Yey! I'm gonna get married!

**Friar Laurence: **Ahem! Holy church, incorporate these two into one so that their stupid feud will end and so they'll never know that it was all caused by my ancestor. Amen.

**Romeo: **Did you just say that the whole feud was caused by your ancestor?

**Friar Laurence: **No, I said that the whole feud was caused by a cabbage fight during a poker game.

**Romeo: **Oh.

**------------------------------------------------**

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	3. Act III

**Beware of my insanity...I SAID BEWARE!**

**--------------------------------------------------------------**

**Act III**

**Scene 1- A filthy, disgusting, rotten, public place**

_Benvolio, Mercutio, and some servants are standing in front of a booth that has a bunch of knives on it._

**Benvolio: **Dude, we should, like, go home man, there are, like, waaayyy to many Capulets and it's, like, late man.

**Mercutio: **NEVER! I want to fight! And throw this pumpkin I found at Tybalt.

**Benvolio: **Dude, I'm serious, we should go home, or you'll, like, die man.

**Shakespeare: **YOU IDIOT! You're not supposed to tell him that! -audience member throws a cabbage at him, knocking him out-

**Mercutio: **No I won't and if I do, you can have all my money.

**Benvolio: **Dude, I, like, don't need money. All I need is, like, love man.

**Mercutio: **Fool.

-Tybalt and his men are crawling on the ground pretending to be soldiers from WWI-

**Tybalt: **Okay men, on my orders, run over there and start bombing the enemy. Got it?

**Benvolio: **Dudes, like, what are you doing, man?

**Mercutio: **-throws pumpkin at Tybalt- HA!

**Tybalt: **-stands up and is spitting out pumpkin- What was that for!

**Mercutio: **For being a Capulet.

**Tybalt: **Why you….TELL ME WHERE ROMEO IS OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!

**Benvolio: **Okay…..how did we get into talking about Romeo?

-Romeo comes in and is smiling because he has married Juliet-

**Tybalt: **THERE YOU ARE!

**Romeo: **Oh, hello Tybalt-who-is-not-my-cousin-because-I-did-not-marry-your-cousin-Juliet, how have you been? Did I mention that I've always loved you like a cousin? Even thought you're not my cousin but I love you like that anyways.

**Benvolio: **Dude, something is, like, seriously wrong here.

**Mercutio: **He's been spending waayy too much time with you, that's what.

**Tybalt: **You made my uncle think he's Oz! You….you gave him something and now he's gone mad! Do you haven any idea what it's like to have an uncle gone mad!

**Romeo: **Tybalt, I would never hurt you and I would never hurt Capulet-who-is-not-my-father-in-law-because-I-did-not-marry-Juliet.

**Tybalt: **LIAR!

**Mercutio: **That's it! -draws out light saber- Tyablt, Cat King and Man Who Eats Rats, you and me, FIGHT!

**Tybalt: **I DO NOT EAT RATS! AND I HATE CATS! -draws out light saber- -they fight-

**Romeo: **Guys, cut it out.

**Mercutio: **Like I'm really gonna listen to you. DIE TYBALT! -charges at him, but is blocked by Tybalt's light saber-

**Romeo: **Benvolio, draw your saber, for we are going to… -Tybalt cuts off Mercutio's arms and legs and then runs away with his men- MERCUTIO! NOOOO!

**Mercutio: **It's only a flesh wound, but just incase I do die, ahem……I CURSE YOU AND BOTH YOUR HOUSES! A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES! A PLAGUE! AND IT WILL BE WIRSE THAN THE BLACK DEATH! FLEE TO ANTARTICA! AND ROMEO IS MAR….. -falls over and dies-

**Romeo: **NOOOOO!

**Benvolio: **Dude, he's like, dead, man.

**Romeeo: **I ALREADY KNEW THAT! Now let me look for Tybalt so I can kill him!

-Tybalt returns after using the outhouse-

**Tybalt: **Man, that felt good.

**Romeo: **-pulls out light saber and charges at Tybalt- DIE TYBALT!

**Tybalt: **Huh? -Romeo kills him-

**Benvolio: **Dude, you, like, need to, like, go man, before the people, like, come, man.

**Romeo: **Crap, I was so blinded by rage that I killed Tybalt-who-was-not-my-cousin-because-I-did-not-marry-his-cousin-Juliet. NOW EVERYONE'S GONNA HATE ME! -runs away crying-

-civilians come after hearing that Tybalt is dead-

**Civilian 1: **YEY! TYBALT'S DEAD! Just a few more acts and scenes to go before this stupid parody is over! -a brick is thrown at him-

-Prince, Montague, Capulet, who still thinks he's Oz, their wives, and some other people come in after playing a game a poker at a bar-

**Prince: **-sees Mercutio's body and Tybalt's body- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE!

**Benvolio: **You see, like, Tybalt, like, totally killed Mercutio and then Romeo, like, killed Tybalt.

**Lady Capulet: **LIAR!

**Prince: **Okay, who started it?

**Benvolio: **Like, Tybalt, man.

**Lady Capulet: **HE'S LYING! IT WAS ALL ROMEO'S FAULT

**Prince: **Okaayy….

**Montague: **She's the one who's lying! Romeo was Mercutio's friend!

**Prince: **Well…since I'm God….

**Audience: **NO YOU'RE NOT!

**Prince: **SILENCE YOU FOOLS! -thunder is heard and lightning flashes in the background- Now, since I'm God, I can do whatever I want, which means I can do what I want to do to Romeo and I think I should banish him. So for now on, Romeo is banished.

**Scene 2- Capulet's rotten orchard, but you people knew that already.**

_Juliet is sitting on a rock, bored to death so she starts pretending that she is talking to her imaginary friend Joe._

**Juliet: **So Joe, do you have any idea where my husband is?

**Joe: **……………..

**Juliet: **You could answer, you know.

**Joe: **…………..

**Juliet: **ANSWER ME! TELL ME WHERE MY ROMEO IS NOW!

-the nurse runs in-

**Nurse: **HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

**Juliet: **WHAT! ROMEO'S DEAD! CURSE YOU HEAVENS, CURSE YOU! HOW DARE YOU KILL MY ROMEO!

**Nurse: **I was talking about Tybalt. But Romeo's been banished cause he killed Tybalt cause Tybalt killed Mercutio.

**Juliet: **Who cares about Tybalt! I WANT MY ROMEO!

**Nurse: **Ummm…he's been banished.

**Juliet: **I knew that! What do you think I am, dumb?

**Nurse: **I'm not going to answer that.

**Juliet: **Fine. Do me a favor and go find Romeo while I pretend to be upset about Tybalt.

**Nurse: **Fine. -goes looking for Romeo-

**Scene 3- Friar Laurence's filthy cell, again.**

_Friar Laurence has just come back from picking flowers in the meadow when he notices that the door is open. He enters very cautiously…._

**Friar Laurence: **Okay, I know it's you Romeo, OUT THIS INSTANCE ROMEO!

-Romeo crawls out from under a table and stands up-

**Romeo: **Oh father, what is the news! Please tell me before I get naughty thoughts in my head that involve my wife!

**Friar Laurence: **eeww…we don't want that happening now do we? Okay, first off, SINCE WHEN WAS I YOUR FATHER!

**Romeo: **You're a friar, that's how we address friars.

**Friar Laurence: **Oh, right, in that case, the news is, you've been banished from Verona.

**Romeo: **What! NOOOOO! -starts crying-

**Friar Laurence: **Oh come on, it's better than being put to death now, isn't it?

**Romeo: **Without Verona, -sob- I have no life and no Juliet, -sob- who makes world flat. What am I supposed to do!

-knocking is heard-

**Friar Laurence: **Romeo! Hide!

-Romeo hides in a closet, but unknown to him, part of his shirt is hanging out, the knocking continues-

**Friar Laurence: **Who is it!

**Nurse: **LET ME IN!

**Friar Laurence: **Okay, but first, state your business.

**Nurse: **I'M HERE FOR JULIET!

**Friar Laurence: **Alright, alright, you can come in. -opens the door and the nurse falls onto the ground, but then gets back up-

**Nurse: **Well that was quite a step, now tell me, where is Romeo?

**Friar Laurence: **He's in the closet crying cause he's banished. I know because part of his shirt's sticking out.

**Nurse: **Alright Romeo, come out and act like a man!

-Romeo comes out-

**Romeo: **-sob- How's -sob- Juliet?

**Nurse: **Oh she's fine, but she's pretending to be upset over Tybalt's death and doing a really good job of it too.

**Romeo: **Poor Juliet, having to pretend to be upset…. -sob-…IT'S ALL MY FAULT! -draws out a light saber and points it at his chest-

**Friar Laurence: **Calm down, boy! Is this anyway to act! You're acting like….like….like a girl!

**Nurse: **Hey!

**Friar Laurence: **Well it's true.

**Romeo: **You're absolutely right! I am acting like a girl! It's time to be a man! Nurse, tell Juliet that I will meet her tonight!

**Nurse: **Will do sir! -salutes him and then leaves-

**Friar Laurence: **That was odd, anyways…check out the flowers I picked!

**Romeo: **Are you sure you're not gay?

**Friar Laurence: **FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GAY!

**Scene 4- A dirty room in the Capulet's house.**

_Capulet and Paris are having a discussion while playing a game of poker. So far, Capulet's winning. Lady Capulet is serving vodka._

**Capulet: **I can't believe this! My stupid nephew's dead and my daughter is so upset!

**Paris: **Capulet, we don't…

**Capulet: **Ahem!

**Paris: **-sigh- I mean, Oz, we don't have time for this! I want to marry your daughter now! Lady Capulet, please convince him to let me wed your daughter!

**Lady Capulet: **I would, but Paris, she is too grief stricken right now.

**Capulet: **I have an idea, you, Lady Capulet, go upstairs to comfort Juliet while I talk with Paris.

**Lady Capulet: **But what about the vodka?

**Capulet: **I've had plenty of vodka, now go.

-Lady Capulet leaves while a big smile appears on Capulet's face-

**Paris: **What are you smiling about Cap….I mean, Oz?

**Capulet: **I, the great and powerful Oz, am about to win.

**Paris: **Really? How?

**Capulet: **Behold, a royal flush!

**Paris: **NOO!

**Capulet: **And since I won, I pick the date and I choose Thursday!

**Paris: **Fine, Thursday it is.

**Scene 5- Capulet's rotten orchard, except there's actually a flower blooming.**

_Juliet is at the window while Romeo is walking towards the window, but he , unknowingly, steps on the flower._

**Juliet: **Oh, why can't it be night forever, wait…what's night? Oh whatever, why aren't you gone yet!

**Romeo: **Oh Juliet, I cannot leave until the I hear the lark!

**Juliet: **What's a lark? Is that a kind of cheese? Did I mention that my favorite kind of cheese is American? What's American?

**Romeo: **How am I supposed to know? Sounds like something stupid to me.

**Americans in the Audience: **YOU SON OF A BITCH!

-the nurse rushes in-

**Nurse: **Juliet! Your mother's coming!

**Juliet: **Already? Oh well, goodbye my Romeo, for we may never meet again!

**Romeo: **Funny, I though this part was supposed to be longer, oh well, goodbye my love! -leaves-

**Juliet: **Oh God of Fortune, give me a million dollars so I can buy off the Prince-who-thinks-he's-God into unbanishing Romeo!

**Lady Capulet: **Juliet, what are you doing?

**Juliet: **Nothing, mother, just talking to Joe.

**Lady Capulet: **Oh, thought you were still weeping over your cousin's death.

**Juliet: **I am. -pretends to cry- See?

**Lady Capulet: **You do realize that this is all Romeo's fault, right?

**Juliet: **That is why I want him dead! Dead for cause me so much grief, dead for…..for….misery, yeah that's it, causing me so much misery.

**Lady Capulet: **By the way, I have wonderful news, you get to marry Paris on Thursday!

**Juliet: **WHAT! NOO! I mean, YEY!

**Lady Capulet: **Glad to see you're excited, oh look, here comes your father now! And the nurse.

**Capulet: **So Juliet, are you happy or are you still upset about Tybalt?

**Lady Capulet: **She is happy, Oz.

**Capulet: **Good.

**Juliet: **Actually I'm not, I don't want to marry him.

**Capulet: **YOU BITCH! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO I, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ! GO AND HANG YOURSELF IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER! YOU…-Lady Capulet this him on the head with a broom and drags him out-

**Juliet: **Oh good nurse, whan am I to do? My husband's banished and I have to marry Paris on Thursday.

**Nurse: **Hmm…if I were you..…I would….MARRY PARIS!

**Juliet: **Are you mad! What would Romeo think?

**Nurse: **Pretend he's dead.

**Juliet: **Hmm…..IT'S NOT WORKING! -starts crying-

**Nurse: **You still have to marry him, it's not like you can pretend you're dead and then….

**Shakespeare: **-glares at her-

**Nurse: **You know, just marry him and get on with your life.

**Juliet: **-sighs- Fine.

**Nurse: **Good, I'll go tell your father. -leaves-

**Juliet: **CRAZY OLD WOMAN! ANCIENT BAT! TRAITOR! HOW DARE SHE DO THIS TO ME! -looks at her hand- OH MY GOD I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL!

**----------------------------------------------------- **

**I like cheese...review...give me reviews...or I will throw cheese at you! BEWARE! FOR I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL CHEESE! AND CHOCOLATE!**


	4. Act IV

**Cheese...**

**--------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Act IV**

**Scene 1- Friar Laurence's dirty cell.**

_Friar Laurence and Paris are discussing the upcoming marriage_

**Friar Laurence: **Thursday eh? Hmmm…I'm not sure about this.

**Paris: **Pleaassee? If you do, I'll pay you your weight in gold.

**Friar Laurence: **Hmm….okay!

-Juliet comes in with tears streaming down her face-

**Paris: **Hello future wife! Tell me, are you still grieving over Tybalt?

**Juliet: **-sob- I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL!

**Paris: **Okaay…father, I demand that your force her into a confession!

**Friar Laurence: **uuuhhhh…

**Juliet: **What's a confession?

**Paris: **It's when you confess to me that you love me.

**Juliet: **I DON'T LOVE YOU! I LOVE……GOD!

**Paris: **You mean the Prince? How dare you! You little….never mind, I'll just leave! -leaves-

**Juliet: **Shut the door! I don't ever wanna see his hideous face again!

**Friar Laurence: **Alright then. -shuts the door-

**Juliet: **So, friar, what am I supposed to do?

**Friar Laurence: **I don't know, why are you asking me?

**Juliet: **Because….because…because I can!

**Friar Laurence: **Well that's good enough for me, so list. Take this potion and it will make you appear dead. So take it and everyone will think you're dead. I'll send out a friend of mine to go tell Romeo that you are not dead and then he'll come for you. When you wake up in your tomb, I promise that Romeo will be there and then you two can run off and live happily ever after. By the way, the potion wears of in two and forty hours.

**Juliet: **So if I take this, I'll appear dead and when I wake up, Romeo will be there. -hugs Friar Laurence- THANK YOU FRIAR! THIS IS THE BEST PLAN EVER! IT'S FLAWLESS!

**Friar Laurence: **You're welcome, now take this at night when no one's around, like you're bedroom, okay?

**Juliet: **Okay! -takes the potion and runs off-

**Scence 2- A hall with paint peeling off the walls and cockroaches in the Capulet's house. **

_Capulet, Lady Capulet, Nurse, and two serving men come back after a nice, relaxing game of pool._

**Capulet: **So many people to invite, so little time, why did I pick Thursday?

**Servingman 1: **You were drunk, sir.

**Capulet: **I was not, and for the last time it's Oz! -hits the serving man with a cane, knocking him out- -looks at the second serving man- YOU! Go hire some cooks!

**Second Serving man: **Will do Oz and if they disobey me, I will have their heads!

**Nurse: **Look, it's Juliet! And she is….happy? Juliet, are you feeling alright?

**Juliet: **Oh, just fine, nurse. I'm not planning to fake my own death and run off with a certain man that I will not name, nope, I'm not doing anything like that. By the way, I saw Paris today in Friar Laurence's cell and man he looked good.

**Capulet: **My God! She's on crack!

**Juliet: **What's crack?

**Capulet: **Nurse, please escort Juliet to her room and make sure she gets to bed.

**Nurse: **Come Juliet, let's go to bed.

**Juliet: **YEY! I mean, aww. -they leave-

**Capulet: **She is definitely on something.

**Scene 3- Juliet's chamber, which is filled with mice.**

_Juliet and nurse come in. The nurse thinks Juliet has either had too much vodka or is on cocaine._

**Juliet: **-is looking through at her clothes- These are all.….UGLY! WHY DID I EVEN BUY THEM!

-Lady Capulet enters after hearing that Juliet is acting strange-

**Lady Capulet: **I heard that Juliet was on crack, so I…

**Juliet: **Mother, I'm fine, see! -dances around in a circle like an idiot-

**Nurse: **I suggest we go and let her go to bed. -they leave-

**Juliet: **YES! They're gone! -pulls out the bottle which contains the potion- Now, fake my death! Oh Romeo! Soon we will be together again! Unless this plan fails, which I doubt it will. Romeo! I drink to you! -drinks potion and falls onto the bed-

**Scene 4- Juliet's chamber**

_The nurse comes in, thinking Juliet is asleep._

**Nurse: **Since you're better, I'm here to help you pick out a dress. -pulls away the curtains and sees that she's 'dead'- She's dead….she's dead…-starts running through the halls- SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! JULIET IS DEAD! -faints-

**Lady Capulet: **My daughter's dead! NOO! -faints-

**Capulet: **I, the great and powerful Oz have only one thing to say about this: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -faints-

-Friar Laurence and some musicians come in-

**Friar Laurence: **Is Juliet ready to…..go? sees that everyone is on the ground I guess it worked, I mean, I had nothing to do with this.

**Mark, who is replacing Peter because Peter won the lottery: **Hey musicians, I…

**Muscian 1: **WE DON'T WANT YOUR FILTHY MONEY!LET'S HANG HIM JACK! -he and the others chase him-

**Mark: **HELP ME!

**Friar Laurence: **Guess I better wait till they wake up.

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Give...me...CHOCOLATE! Oh, and you may review.**


	5. Act V

**BEHOLD! THE INCREDIBLY RANDOM ENDING!**

**----------------------------------------------------------**

**Act V**

**Scene 1- Mantua, a very clean street.**

_Romeo is sitting on a wall humming to the tune of 'We Three Kings', even though it's not Christmas._

**Romeo: **I wonder if I'll ever see Juliet again.

-Balthasar enters, he has drunken lot of vodka-

**Romeo: **Balthasar, what news do you have from Verona?

**Balthasar: **Zour wifze ize noze deadze ze's -faints-

**Romeo: **I' going to assume that he said Juliet's dead. NO! APOTHECARY! HELP ME!

**Apothecary: **What do you want?

**Romeo: **Gimme your deadliest poison and in return, I'll give you ten gold pieces.

**Apothecary: **Deal! -gives him the poison-

**Romeo: **Ha! Sucker! -runs off to Verona with the poison and is dragging Balthasar behind him-

**Apothecary: **HEY! YOU OWE ME TEN GOLD PIECES! -looks at the ground- Oo...a Euro, wiat, these haven't even come out uet, oh well. -stuffs it in his pocket-

**Scene 2- Friar Laurence's filthy cell.**

_Friar Laurence and Friar John are having a very intelligent conversation_

**Friar Laurence: **YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU GOT PUT IN QUARANTINE SO YOU TOLD BALTHSAR TO DO IT!

**Friar John: **Yep!

**Friar Laurence: **You fool! He gets drunk all the time! Romeo won't understand a word he's saying!

**Friar John: **Oh.

**Friar Laurence: **-slaps himself in the face-

**Scene 3- A very creep graveyard that has the tomb of the Capulets**

_Paris and his page come with rotten flowers because they couldn't find any nice ones_

**Paris: **Gimme my torch, boy!

**Page: **-tosses him the torch, but it lands on Paris's foot-

**Paris: **OW! Why the heck did you…never mind. Just go home, for I have the feeling I'm going to die soon and I don't want you to be here to witness it. -the page leaves- Oh Juliet, though we never married, I still love you.

-Romeo, dragging Balthasar behind him, appears-

**Romeo: **GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE'S TOMB YOU FREAK!

**Paris: **What?

**Romeo: -**pulls out light saber and charges at him and then kills him, then enters the tomb and sees Juliet- Juliet! Even in death, you are the most beautiful woman in the world! I LOVE YOU JULIET! -drinks poison an dies-

-Friar Laurence enters the tomb-

**Friar Laurence: **Considering the fact the Balthasar is sitting out there drunk and Paris is dead, I have come to a conclusion. -sees Romeo- Looks like I was right, Romeo's dead. NOO!

-Juliet wakes up-

**Friar Laurence: **I know shouldn't say this but…..crap! I woke her up!

**Juliet: **Friar, where's Romeo?

**Friar Laurence: **Uuuhhhh…

**Juliet: **-sees Romeo's body- Romeo's dead…..NO! You! Get out now!

**Friar Laurence: **But..

**Juliet: **NOW! -Friar Laurence leaves- Romeo, why did you do this? You didn't even leave any for me? Stupid poison. -kisses him- His lips are so warm, makes me want to do….naughty things, but he's dead so I can't. -takes out his dagger- Such a pretty dagger, too bad it's gonna be ruined. BE HAPPY DAGGER, FOR THIS IS YOUR HAPPY DAY!S -stabs herself and falls- -the watchman comes in and sees the bodies. He then goes and tells the Prince and the Capulets and the Montagues to come-

**Prince: **What is going one here!

**Capulet & Lady Capulet: **NO! JULIET!

**Montague: **NO! FIRST MY WIFE AND NOW THIS!

**Prince: **You! Friar! Tell me what's going on here!

**Friar Laurence: **You see, Romeo and Juliet fell in love and then I married them so that you would never know that it was my ancestor who cheated on you guys in that game of poker and then Romeo was banished and Juliet faked her death and now they're both dead. Happy?

**Prince: **See what you're hate has done? You're children are dead! And the worst part of it is….-points at the friar- it was all his ancestor's fault!

**Friar: **That's right! Wait…..ooops!

**Montagues & Capulets: **GET THE FRIAR! -they begin chasing the friar-

**Shakespeare: **-wakes up and sees the chaos- MY PLAY'S BEEN RUINED! -faints-

**Prince: **As God, I only have one thing to say about this: The End.

**-----------------------------------------------------------**

**VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:** **Witch tekamika and anoyonelse who is interested, if your teacher wishes to read this to your class, that is fine by me, just make sure I am given credit since I wrote it, that's all.**

**Hope you enjoyed this parody. Review if you want.**


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